What? Hi, who’s talking?
It is I, your Fairdale Weekender Archer bicycle sitting next to you, leaning on this pile of boxes.
Oh, really? I had no idea you – or any bicycle – could speak!
Well, I can’t. It’s really all just in your head.
Am I going crazy?
No, not at all.
Then what’s happening? What’s this about?
Well, I’ve been sitting here for a while, very patiently I might add, and I just evolved into having consciousness and telepathic ability. And I guess I’m just wondering something.
Yeah, what’s that?
OK, here goes. (Big sigh.) Why don’t you ride me anymore? Don’t you like me?
Oh! I get it! No, of course I like you. I like you a lot, actually. But it’s kind of a long story.
Like your blog, pretty wordy, amirite? Tee hee!
Hey! Watch that attitude.
OK, sorry. Please continue.
Well, I realized that the other bike, I mean woman, uh… Hey, what’s your name?
You never gave me one.
Oh, well, OK, would you like one?
Hmm… By the way, are you a boy, girl, or non-binary?
I identify as female, not just because of my pretty sea foam green color, because color should not be gendered. It’s because I’m tough, elegant, and I float down the road like a dreamboat. And ships are still named for women.
Well, how about I call you Sophie, a kind of word play on sea foam? It also sounds like “so free,” which is how I feel when I ride you.
I like it! That’s a very nice thing for you to say, A Dude!
The newly christened Sophie, waiting to be ridden.
It’s true. But Sophie, I haven’t ridden you because that other woman…
You mean that old Japanese lady with the skinny wheels and chipped grey black paint?
Yes, the Fuji Silhouette.
What about her?
Well, I haven’t been riding you because she almost has 10,000 miles on her. And don’t tell her, but I was thinking of maybe retiring her.
And then you’d start riding me again? You know I’m very sexy with my 9 gears and one in the front, disk brakes, and I’m strong due to my chromoly steel.
Yes, exactly! Although on longer rides, I hope to get a new flat-bar road bike. First I need a paycheck, or to raise money on GoFundMe. You’re a little, you know…
I know what?
… well, you have big bones.
OMG WTF Dude! Are you kidding me? Big bones, my ass. I told you, I’m made of steel.
Yes, I know, I’m sorry! I just meant that it’s easier for me to go longer distances on a lighter bike. Because of my low power to weight ratio. It’s about me, not you.
Well, if you put it that way, I guess I forgive you.
Great! I promise, we’re going to ride again soon. Although I’m having some pains lately and I started… well, it’s hard for me to say.
What is it? You can tell me anything! Remember all those good times we had riding to train for the MS 150?
Well, I was thinking of renting you on Spinlister.
Yes, well, it would have been fun! You’d get to have other people ride you.
OK, I guess, if you say so. But hey, didn’t Spinlister go out of business?
Yes. But I had you tuned-up and cleaned up real nice, and I didn’t want to get you dirty again, and so then I was actually thinking of…
Yes, Dude? You were thinking of what?
(Whispers.) Selling you to pay rent.
(Gasps.) What? I’m so sad and mad I don’t know what to say!
But I didn’t, did I?
No, I guess not. (Long pause; brightens.) I guess I can understand that. Is there anything else you need to tell me?
Uh, erm, OK, yes. I am seeing someone else. It’s a Ford Escort.
You can’t be serious, Mr. A Dude Abikes “13 Years (Not) a Slave to Cars”!
Yes, well, if you read all of my blog posts you would know someone loaned me a car. So it might be necessary for me to stop riding bikes as much until I feel better.
Oh, well, if you put it that way.
Yes, but so far I can still ride some, I just have to take it easy until we figure out what’s going on.
Julia, formerly of Bike Austin, presents A Dude Abikes with his raffle-winning Fairdale (February 2017).
Great! So when are we going to go for a ride? Now? Can we go now? Please please please?
No, Sophie, not now. It’s late at night and dark, and although I got you a tune-up and a bath, you need air, and oil, and I need to be in the right mood. As soon as Old Fuji-san hits 10K, we’re going to go out. Maybe even sooner. I promise.
Ok, well, go back to watching your World Cup soccer. But really you should get to bed.
I know, but I love soccer. It reminds me of when I used to play when I was younger.
Good night then, Dude.
Good night to you, Sophie.
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